Yesterday was my third workout with the Functional Back program at the health club. My back felt exhausted all day. Not bad hurt, good hurt — as though the program is targetting some weaknesses I have had. I adore being able to strengthen and stretch my back in a controlled setting. That’s the beauty of my health club and probably the reason why I will never ever move someplace that’s farther than a mile from one of these for the rest of my life.
Last night I did my usual tai chi 108-move form followed by 6 minutes of standing wuji, and then sitting meditation. After my mind settled, I discovered this feeling of being filled with — goodness. I can’t explain it exactly — goodness, oxygen, peace. It was as though, with my mind calmed, a top became unscrewed and opened up and into the void poured something pure and nurturing.
I have a girlfriend who says that if you seek, the spirits will open doors. I’ve been seeking my entire life, and this morning I sit here and think about the things in my life as I gaze out into a gorgeous white New England winter day listening to the snowblowers : my tai chi practice and Sensei, who is a funny, interesting, and unique instructor; meditating; my wonderful health club; a chiropractor with the hands and intuition of an angel; my peaceful household that tolerates all of my idiosyncrasies; and my friends — I have one or two — who, in spite of knowing the real me still talk to me.
I know that what I’m feeling now isn’t the end of my journey — no, I’ve been here too many times to be delusional about that. But maybe, just maybe, if I keep blogging and searching and peeking in all of the open doors around me, I will someday find a formula for bringing myself back onto this very personal path whenever I stray. Part of my challenge is learning to accept that my path is different from anyone else’s. I don’t need to live by another person’s rules, I don’t need to defend or explain myself. I just need to know what works for me and keep focused on my living, breathing, constantly-changing formula for waking up healthy and happy every day.