Wait


I’ve been thinking lately about God.  I guess my “desperation breeds inspiration” of late is breeding a need for a deeper spirituality.

Last night when I was meditating, I pictured a Godly figure rising above my Buddha statues on the bookshelf I use as my makeshift altar.  It was a Western-looking god.  And in my meditation, I wondered whether this god really exists.  Here’s a conversation I once had with my brother:

Me:  Do you believe in God?
Bro:  Absolutely!
Me:  How do you know that God exists?
Bro:  Look around you.  The Earth, the Heavens.  Look at everything.  That’s absolute proof.  How could there not be a god?
Me:  hm..  I’m not sure I buy that argument.

I suppose theorizing about whether there is a god or not or making any attempts to characterize him/her/it, one would just find themselves philosophizing themselves right back to where they started from and find that it’s an unanswerable mystery just as is the beginning of a loop.

I run through the woods and I’m dumfounded at the teaming life.  Trees, bushes, squirrels, snakes, ponds filled with frogs and fish and birds.  The sun in the sky, and the breezes.

All of these things rise above who I am.  They are living beings all around me who respect their lives.  The result of a creature who respects its own existence is majestic beauty.  Are humans really better than this?  Few of us truly respect our own existence, me most of all.  When hubby is not home to cook for me, I eat junk food.  I take pills, I spend long hours in front of the TV or computer games trying to get my day over with.

I’m trying to find that thread that gives me a bond with these other beautiful creatures, and I think that bond is some sort of spirituality.  A meaningful belief in some sort of Being, Earth Mother, Majestic Energy, Greater God.  I can’t put any form or shape into this unfathomable concept, I can’t even put a purpose.  Is he/she/it the Creator?  The Overseer?  The Controller?  Or just a sort of Helper?

But my current state of “desperation breeds inspiration” is driving me to feel a powerful need for a deeper spirituality.  When I’m outside running or doing my meditating or doing my yoga, I sense that inside of me is a real life that’s waiting to be lived.  Maybe my life is turning into a 24-hour meditation, where my Buddha statues are sitting inside my head, holding their hands up to me and whispering “wait”.

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