Silly, Happy Child Where Are You?

I’m sitting here with my morning coffee, which is now much more bitter.  Each sip makes my face scrunch.  But for the third year in a row, my cholesterol is elevated and my diabetes numbers are elevated, so I’m thinking that maybe this year I should respect the warnings and cut out the ice cream desserts and the tasty coffee additives.

I’m getting a couple of new scripts today.  The first is some sort of sleeping pill that can help supplement my ativan, which is taking a long time to get me to sleep, and I find myself popping several to help it along.  If I can find something to actually get me to sleep, I’d be happier.  I only hope he doensn’t give me something that’s going to psych up my head and make me feel crazy.

The second is a script for Prilosec, which he told me to go onto it permanently.  That makes sense.  My gastroenterologist asked me to do that years ago since my ulcer is h. pylori negative, so can’t be cured.  And my ulcer happens to be right exactly where my back pain is.  I’ve always thought they were related.

So I’m trying new drugs now, which always throws my life into turmoil.  But hopefully all this will help get me through this tough period in my life.

I thought about my imaginary friend Krishna the other day while jogging out in the woods.  I thought about how my best imaginary friend would have a lighthearted, laughing, easygoing personality.  In the past, playing roleplaying games, those are the types of characters that I was most successful with.  People would crowd around me, listening to me being silly with things and laughing at my cuteness.

And yet, here I am, a serious introvert in real life — demanding perfection of myself, serious about the business about me.  I’m even serious about the business of trying to fix the subsequent health problems — I go to a chiropractor every 2 weeks, run religiously every day, rain or shine.  I do 1 or 2 yoga sessions a day and meditate every single morning and every evening.  My real life is anything but fun or funny.

And yet, here in Krishna, and in all those past roleplaying characters, I know there is a silly willy inside of me, jumping up and down on a soft cloud, spinning, laughing, and seeing nothing but joy in life.  My family never approved of that sort of free spirit behavior…  I never knew it existed until I played my first roleplaying game, UO, many many years ago.  Now I can see fragments of it, mainly when talking with old people believe it or not.  Hubby conjectures that old people are probably “safe” to me, and less judgemental than most.

It’s funny at how I’m in a dark, wistful mood today.  I think taking 2 1/2 ativans to try to get to sleep and now being stuck with black coffee has made me feel groggy this morning.

I’m looking foward to tackling my sleep issues.  The ativan has worked wonders for my back pain and hot flashes.  If it weren’t for the sleep, I’d have a perfect drug formula now, even though the cloud that all of these drugs lays over my head is keeping that silly, happy child hidden.  I’ll have to enjoy her through Krishna.

Silly, Happy Child Where Are You?

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