Wait


I’m proud of myself.  I made it through another day with just .5 mg ativan in the afternoon and one 12.5 mg ambien.  I spent a very long time meditating to get to sleep.  My new mantra when my mind wants to start freaking out and break out of meditating is “wait”.

When the dog freaks out at something, like a worker making noise outside of the house and I want to quiet him down, I’ve taught him the command “wait” and hold my hand up.  Then I count “1…..”   “2……”  “3……”   “OK!!” The “ok” is his release of the wait.

I started off teaching him this when going down the steps out the back.  The two dogs used to pull me down so I taught them to wait until I gave them permission to start charging down.

When the distraction is for an extended period of time, though, I’ll sometimes count “1……”   “1 1/2……..”  “1 3/4…….”  “1 4/16…..” and so on and so forth.   I’ll keep counting forever, until he falls asleep waiting for his release.  Sometimes I fall asleep with him, droning my counts:  “2 and 100 million 300 gazillion 5 thousand, 495th……”

I like “wait” as a mantra because first of all, my Buddha statues are already holding their hands up telling me “wait”.  Second of all, it comes with no connotations.  It’s simply “wait”.   “for something”   “for nothing”   “just wait”

So last night I “waited” for what seemed like forever to fall asleep.  I dreamt about sausages (don’t ask me why :p), and when I woke up, the pitter patter of rain was outside my windows and the New England fall had turned to golds, oranges, greens, and browns, all in brilliant harmony.

I can’t wait to throw on my rain gear and run through the woods today, it’s so gorgeous.  There’s a bear that’s wandering around my part of the neighborhood today, though.  I wonder if he understands the command “wait”.

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