To Bailey’s Irish Cream Coffee Creamer: You make my cholesterol high and because of you I am a borderline diabetic. Can’t you be low-fat and low-sugar? Oh sorry, didn’t mean to insult you. You are delicious, that’s why you’re a dichotomy in my life. I don’t blame you for not changing a thing. After all, you have to make a living too, in all of your scrumptiousness. Thank you for being everything that you are: my comfort in the morning, the thing that saves my otherwise undrinkable coffee, and the one sweet decadence I allow myself every day. I love you dearly.