Richard Gere is standing on the stage. He smiles, holding an envelope up. Drums roll in the background. I hold my breath as he takes his time opening the envelope and unfolding the paper inside.
“And the winner is…. OnChi!” He looks around the room.
The blood drains from my face. The crowd roars with applause as I stand on wobbly legs. I get hugs from the people all around me and my eyes fill with tears. I’m wearing a sweater over a tee shirt and jeans. I hate dressing up. My rebellious mind said “No one will notice. Wear whatever you want.” I’m the sort of person that abhors dressing up, it doesn’t matter for what purpose. I remember having a big fight with my mother because she wanted me to wear something nice for Dad’s funeral and I wanted to wear jeans and tee shirt. Staying in the Girl Scouts was out of the question for me once I learned that wearing the Girl Scout uniform was mandatory.
I stand and make my way to the stage, self-consciously passing beautiful women with sequined necklines down to their waist and men in tuxedos with diamond cufflinks. They applaud and cheer uproariously as I pass.
Oh what a hunk Richard Gere is close-up. Even more than one could imagine watching his movies. He smiles at me and gives me a peck on the cheek as he hands me a crystal trophy with my name engraved on it. My face turns red and begins to steam as I feel his lips on my cheek.
Anyhoo, I turn to stand in front of the microphone, smoothing down my Walmart Special sweater in a failed attempt to detract attention from it as I lean into the mic.
“Thank you…. thank you very much, thank you,” I say graciously, looking around the room. I wait until the applause dies down, nodding, “Thank you”.
The room is quiet, all eyes are on me.
“First off, I’d like to thank the Academy and Richard for this award. I always thought the whole thing was rigged, but this is proof that even I can win this thing. My opinion has completely changed, and I thank you for proving me wrong.”
“Second of all, I’d like to thank everyone who was part of my crew: my dog Pup who I’m sure endured a miserable and sleepless night in the kennel, and my husband Hubby who stayed by me through thick and thin. I’d like to thank our tour instructor Shooty for driving us around all day looking for spots that weren’t completely buried under 4-foot mounds of snow and the cleats on my boots that saved me from potentially lethal falls.
I’d also like to give big kudos to the guys that make instant hand warmers. Thumbs up to them. They saved the day. Though it was a very long day, we made it through alive and only froze our asses off. Our hands were toasty.
Where are my fellow classmates? Hold your hands up! Let’s give them all a big hand, they all worked hard today, and without them the workshop may never have happened and I wouldn’t be standing here before you. You were all my inspiration, guys.” I throw a kiss. “Let’s have a big applause for them.”
“I’d like to thank my car for not breaking down when I was headachy and nauseous from not getting a chance to drink my coffee and for safely carrying us to the camera store to fix Hubby’s camera.” I keep telling him to be careful with his camera. Now he believes me. Dirty snow is better than cement, however, but even so, cameras hate all things dirty.
And lastly I’d like to thank everyone at Portland Pot Dispensary for their patience as I looked cross-eyed at all of my choices. Back in the old days pot was pot. Now it’s “Chocolope”, “Cheese Candy”, “Girl Scout Cookies”, etc. I would say it takes a rocket scientist to understand all of the strains these days, but I have a sneaking feeling that not all of those people in line ordering like experts were rocket scientists. I’d like to thank the legislature of Massachusetts and Maine for making it possible for me to buy Medical Marijuana legally. In spite of not smoking it all weekend, just knowing it was in my backpack waiting for me gave me peace of mind.
“I am humbled by the Academy’s choice to make a full-length feature film out of my photograph starring none other than Richard Gere and Sandra Bullock and of course who best to write the screenplay but Tom Clancy. You have my deepest respect and gratitude, guys! Let’s give them all big hand!”
“So without much ado I thank you again, and may God bless you all. Come see the movie when it’s released: ‘Hunt for the Killer Tern’, the next Academy Award Winner!” I hold up my trophy victoriously and cross the stage, bowing humbly, and wind my way back to my seat where Hubby kisses me. The applause is deafening as I get a standing ovation.
You are receiving an award –- either one that already exists, or a new one created just for you. What would the award be, why are you being honored, and what would you say in your acceptance speech?