“Good evening everyone and welcome to ‘Interviews With the Best’. My name is OnChi, and tonight I have a very special guest. He is credited for the inventions of countless Roadrunner pursuit devices. Many of his original inventions are priceless and can only be obtained at Sotheby auctions. Please welcome one of the world’s greatest, most brilliant scientists of all times, Mr. Wile E. Coyote.”
Mr. Coyote enters on stage. His hair is white, and he walks slowly, using a cane. He pushes a pair of glasses up on his snout as he carefully makes his way to his chair and eases himself down, adjusting his wrinkled maroon jacket. His pants are a calf-length brown paisley, and they sit high on his waist.
I reach over to shake his paw. “Very nice to finally meet you, Mr. Coyote. I’ve been a huge fan of yours, and I’m quite honored that you accepted our invitation for an interview.”
He nods. “It’s Dr. Coyote, not Mr.” He speaks with a high-class British accent, and his huge teeth are pearl white as he smiles.
“Oh, Doctor. I’m so sorry. You have a PhD?”
“Yes, of course. I have three: One in explosives, one in metallurgy, and one in physics.”
“So you were the inventor of all of the Acme products that you used to chase the Roadrunner, is that correct?”
“Yes, indeed I was,” he says nodding, as he reaches up, attempting to straighten his flopping ears. They flop down again.
I look down at my notes, “It looks like you’ve had…. 2593 hospitalizations in your life, is that accurate, Dr. Coyote?”
He furrows his brow, looking up at the ceiling while he counts on his fingers. “Let’s see, yes, 2593 hospitalizations and 3010 major surgeries — some, as you can imagine, had to be done in the field.”
I nod. “Yes, I see. My my, you’re lucky to be alive!”
“I am, yes. My career as a tester of my prototypes is over now. It’s been a long and fulfilling career, but now I just invent. Acme outsources the testing of my prototypes to Bangalore, India.”
“So you still invent?”
“Oh yes, my body may be weak but my mind is sharp as ever.”
“Where do you live, Dr. Coyote?”
“I live at Huntington House.”
“Huntington House? Isn’t that an institution for the criminally insane?”
He shrugs, “Whatever.”
“What about Ms. Roadrunner? Do you stay in touch with her these days?”
“Oh yes, we talk every day.” He lowers his voice and continues, “She lives in a nursing home now — you know, too much pounding on ones legs eventually takes its toll, even if you’re a bird. She has osteoporosis and arthritis — only gets around in a wheelchair these days.”
I nod with sympathy, “I’m sorry to hear that.” Looking back down at my notes, I say, “So who are the customers of your inventions?”
“Oh, mostly construction. Dr. Jack Kevorkian was also a customer. Something medically related as I recall.”
“Jack Kevorkian, the right-to-die physician?”
He shrugs. “Dunno.”
“What sorts of things do you eat, now that Ms. Roadrunner is retired?”
He reaches up and pulls his teeth out, showing them to me. “Applethauce and thmoothies,” he lithps as he puts his teeth back into his mouth.
“I completely understand! Well, thank you so much for the interview. Best of luck to you and best of luck to Ms. Roadrunner when you talk with her again.”
“Thank you. And I leave you with a small gift. He hands me a spray can engraved with the words “Have a Happy Day from Wile E. Coyote”. At the bottom there is fine print that reads, “Use with Caution. Courtesy of Acme Products”.
Interview your favorite fictional character.
Thanks for the great idea, ranu802!