Have you noticed that there is a different soap for everything? There’s a soap for washing dishes, another one for washing clothes, another one for the hair, the hands, the face, I even have a special soap for the vagina, and a special cleansing cream for the, um, anus. I know, I know, TMI. I’m trying to make a point, though.
My point is, if you used the vaginal soap for your face, would it burn your face off? Worse yet, would it make a vagina out of your face?
If I use face soap on my genitals, would a second face appear down there?
I always thought there was some sort of religious sacrament that would be broken if you crossed the line and misused a soap created for a specific purpose. I didn’t know what, though. Lightning would strike you? The house would flood? What exactly?
I was so convinced that SOMETHING bad would happen, I never tried it.
Until a good friend of mine invited me to his house for lunch one day soon after I retired. I watched in total disbelief as he used HAND soap to wash his dishes! “Jesus Christ, what the hell are you doing?!” I screamed. “Where’s your dishwashing soap?”
“It doesn’t matter,” he said calmly. Of course it didn’t matter to him, the guy’s a Buddhist. Nothing rattles a Buddhist.
I went home and tried it — at first cautiously. Hand soap on dishes. It seemed to work just fine. Not even the windows rattled when I did it. Somehow that rewired my brain. Some sort of absolute, unquestionable universal truth was suddenly shattered.
I had a Costco-size package of Johnson’s Baby Shampoo in my basement. It was bought when we were doing a lot of scuba diving. Baby Shampoo is good stuff for cleaning scuba masks because it makes them fog-free. After we stopped scuba diving, though, this package of two huge containers of baby shampoo sat idly in the basement. After all, we have no babies, what the hell was I going to do with it?
I brought the baby shampoo upstairs, and as totally gross as it sounded, I tried using it to clean my hair. I discovered much to my amazement that my hair was softer! I tried it on my vagina (ok, TMI, I know, but stay with me here). It was so gentle, my vagina didn’t sting! Even that special vaginal soap wasn’t that gentle!
I experimented with more cross-uses. I used organic lemon all-purpose soap on the dog, and he didn’t die. I used shampoo in the washing machine — THAT was not a good idea. Somehow the washing machine wants real washing machine soap or it gets all sudsy-weird.
I used my vaginal soap as bubble bath. It wasn’t the best bubble bath I’ve had, but it was acceptable enough. After all, I had to use it for SOMETHING. I wasn’t going to use it on my vagina ever again, that’s for damned sure.
So I’m just sayin’. The next time you need your vagina cleaned, don’t buy that $15 vaginal garbage, just buy Johnson’s Baby Shampoo.
Think of a topic or issue about which you’ve switched your opinion. Why the change?